HOW TO START YOUR DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1 . Open a new file in your Personal Computer.


2. Name it "Boss "

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN

4 . Empty the RECYCLE BIN

5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Boss
permanently?"

6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....

7. Feel better?

Newlander's world

I live in a lingustic world.
Words are many, but meanings?
they never get comprehended;
tongues lash out emotions, never tiring-
In my submarine world
i can never see their actions
befitting the versions
that get rewritten over and over.
I cannot understand
the speed of the bullet train.
I am the fool.


I live in a semantic world.
An immense wealth of emotions calls us forward
to be someone to somebody.
To understand the motions below the surface
to be a shrink no an analyst
to be a clown who never lost out
to be the lunatic slamming his skull on a wall of
unforeseen consequences.
I am the fool.

I live in a world of make believe.
There is a story behind the faces.
faces with words, but no meanings
faces with meanings but no words,
they wait to gather the hurricane, they
tell me the truth can never be written
a word spoken is a word lost,
a meaning expressed is a meaning denied.
I break my head.
I am the fool.

I live in a world of chaos
never understanding who I am
where I am.
In my terrestrial world there are persons
faces with expressions that deny all oceans
they live in a drought of words.
They charm and caress.
I am the fool.

Newlander's world

ETERNAL LOVE
Thank god! I am not insane yet,
The heat will get me soon.
My socks have holes
And they bring some relief:
The sores are there,
After all when one sweats
The itch will remain.
Scratch my skin, will you?
The days are slow, but never lonely
But the nights disappoint me.
I have an alcoholic dream-
Two can be company and sometimes
A crowd as well.
Time has come to shout down
The music to death:
This is not a party, it is living hell.
Thoughts, not always well expressed
They are like the reapers on the field;
The grain is well rounded and fresh, but
Sometimes all you get is chaff.
Cant pick it up still, because
I need to pay Paul to rob Peter.
Laundry is never fun nor is cooking,
Deprivation not a romantic feeling,
Away from home, pine for
Something but a pornographic flash
And stifle my grief.
The king never died, and now
Cash is the king, it hardly matters.
There is no revolution around
Time will while away,
I will fill the fridge
And make it my tomb.

Customer Care 2020

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."
Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold.......... on......889861356102049998-45-4610"
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jermaine Street. Your home number is 4094 2366, your office 7645 2302 and your mobile is 14260 62566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99"
Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan,Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records,you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."
Customer: " What!"
Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,...registration number 1123..."
Customer: " ????"
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing.! .. by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... "
Customer: #$$^%&$@$%^
Operator "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a police man...?"
Customer: Faints..

What They Want

I liked this poem.
Why?

Because, in the name of progress we erect monstrosities and call them civic needs. They take various names and various shapes. We call them stadia, metro, cultural centres, opera house, art museum, business centre, city hall and so on and so forth. They are damnation. Read on .....


What They Want

Trying to protect my life while in my pocket
Seems that it's not safe to drive with my belt
So unsafe that i'll get fined if I don't lock it

They'll fine me for not being safe
Making it even harder for someone to live
So why wouldn't somebody want to die
If it meant leaving the faulty world of lies

Protect me, why not protect my funds
Spent 100 million on a stadium that we don't need
So it's no coincidence that now you add this rule
If you need help paying for your bright ideas, just ask me

But I know the rules, i'm the little guy
Why worry about my welfare, and my hard times

Terrrile Smith
Louisville, KY

The truth about flowers is that they are beautiful



Will you agree with me?

Chicken Vindaloo
the easy way

Ingredients

Whole cumminseeds, black peppercorns, cardamom seeds, stick cinnamon,
whole black mustard seeds, whole fenugreek seeds,
white wine vinegar
salt, cayenne pepper, light brown sugar,
vegetable oil,
large yellow onions, (peel and cut into half rings)
water
fresh ginger (peeled and fine chop),
garlic cloves (peel and fine chop)
ground coriander seeds, ground turmeric,
boneless chicken breast - fine pieces
tomato ketch-up
potatoes (peel and quarter)

Method

Grind cummin seed, black pepper, cardamom seeds, cinnamon, black mustard seeds, fenugreek seeds together in a spice grinder. combine ground spices with vinegar, salt , cayenne pepper and brown sugar, set aside

Heat oil in a sauce pan at medium heat. fry onions, till dark brown uniformly.
strain onions into a beleder without oil and add 30 ml water and blend till smooth paste. keep the oil separately

add onion paste to the spice paste

blend ginger and garlic to a smooth paste and keep

heat the oil again in a medium sauce pan. add ginger garlic paste and stir till liught brown. add coriander and turmeric and stir. add chicken pieces one by one.

add vindaloo paste tomato ketch-up and potatos to the chicken stir and bring to boil. cover the sauce pan, simmer till potatos are tender.
so simple.
serve with rice

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.


The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world ?"


The survey was a big failure, as

In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant,
In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant,
In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant,
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant,
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant,
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant,
In Australia they didn't know what 'give' meant,
And
in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!

Tension Relievers, after a long time.........

I was proud to say I could do this.........

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age can't do it !

01. This is this cat
02. This is is cat
03. This is how cat
04. This is to cat
05. This is keep cat
06. This is an cat
07. This is old cat
08. This is person cat
09. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down
and I bet you can't resist passing it on.

7 ways to catch a lion.

1. Newton's Method:
Let, the lion catch you.
For every action there is equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught the lion .

2. Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.
Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.

3. Schrodinger Method:
At any given moment, there is a positive probability that lion to be in the cage. So set the trap, sit down and wait!

4. Inverse Transformation Method:
We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it. Perform an inverse transformation with respect to lion. Lion is in and we are out.

5. Thermodynamic Procedure:
We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows every thing to pass it except lions. Then sweep the entire forest with it.

6. Integration Differention Method:
Integrate the forest over the entire area. The lion is somewhere in the result.
So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t lion to trace out the lion.

7. My Method:
DON'T EVEN TRY.
YOU'LL GET CAUGHT BY THE LION.

FAMILY
Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.

And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than into our own family,
an unwise investment indeed, don't you think? So what is behind the story?

Do you know what the word FAMILY means?
FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU

Why ARE Men Happier ?

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest
act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.